I’m sure we all dread ‘those talks’ – you know, the ones where you and the other person confront some real deep issue because going forward depends on dealing with it. There are many outcomes such as removal, acceptance, shrinking, magnifying, you can even discuss and agree to ignore it for a while longer if it gets too hard.
I wasn’t expecting one yesterday as I sat in church and listened to a blisteringly good sermon from our pastor. It wasn’t even the main theme of the sermon but one tiny part that God highlighted and spoke to me about. It even started out well as I responded to Him. I knew the right answer, I even meant the right answer and then He pulled the rug out from under me (at least it felt like that).
I suppose I ought to tell you the whole story. The part that hit me was the question “What would I do if I won $50 million. I have considered this and I would pay off our debts, pay for the girls schooling, see our extended family debt free and then I would join CRI for as long and as often as I could. I wasn’t even feeling self-righteous just a gut-deep longing to love people.Then the voice came and
Then His voice came and said, “What if you can’t go but you can just pray for those who do?” Man, that was a blow to my heart. To stay at home and pray, to not be able to reach out and touch, love, minister, serve as my heart longs to? It got serious very fast as I wrestled with the thought. I am still wrestling with it even though I said, “Ok whatever You want.” I meant that and still mean it but there’s the part of me hoping it is one of those tests like Abraham and Isaac. That the angel will appear and present me with the means to go.
But what if there is no reprieve, no change? What if that is the plan? It makes me cry because that’s not my want. But what if it needs to be? I quoted this last week.
10 I want to know Him inside and out. I want to experience the power of His resurrection and join in His suffering, shaped by His death,
I could spend another 500 words here discussing the why of God’s will and still not understand it. I could spend hours talking to friends trying to understand it and still not want to accept it. I don’t have to ‘understand’ this. What I need to understand is first and foremost that God is good. Maybe you remember me boasting that last week – there’s always a point where you have to put your money where your mouth is because the truth will out. If He is good and I heard properly then what is there to do but accept?
Rebellion says ‘I know better’ which considering I want to serve Him is ridiculous, I know better than Him how He needs to be served? I wrote a while back sin starts with the suspicion that God is not good… I’ve been saying “God is good” more and more. Time to see if I really believe it or if I am just mouthing empty words.