I felt a sore throat and snuffle coming on yesterday and in my usual half-hearted way (when it concerns me) I prayed for healing. In the night I woke up, rackety cough, scratchy throat, tight chest, nose bunged up, head aching feeling very sorry for myself. I couldn’t sleep so I read for a bit, then lay back down and prayed for Mark. Woke up again an hour or so later and went for some cough medicine downstairs. Woke up at getting up time and took painkillers and echinacea (yuck!). Then as I sat down for my quiet time and started with my journal I began to wonder.
Why don’t I believe God will heal me? I do in my head. I believe Isaiah 53:5, that there is healing in the cross. I have seen healings, I have heard testimonies, read books of spectacular healings. So why was my first impulse to make a cursory prayer but take tablets/syrup and plan to buy some more? As I thought about this with Him I came up with two reasons.
I am unimportant to Him.
I have to accept illness as a part of life.
Straight away I recognised those two as lies. I wrote earlier this week just how important I am to God, and even without that experience I know that I am His child, adopted, loved, I am priceless because He paid the ultimate price for me – His son.
The second was a little subtler, agreed God doesn’t heal everyone and I don’t know why. I do know it is not because He doesn’t care, or wants us to suffer. Illness, disease is a result of the Fall but God has provided healing for us. As I said above I have seen it and heard of it. So even if God doesn’t heal me surely I ought to ask with more faith and belief?
There’s nothing wrong with taking medication, with trying to make myself feel better with cough syrup and a nice warm lazy day on the couch. But I went there first. I didn’t trust God enough to believe He would do what I asked for. That tells me I could do better. The title is a bit harsh today, I am not really grading myself on my faith but I hope it’s making the point. If it were a test I’d not be doing too well. Fortunately my Teacher is very understanding and supportive and is already in the process of improving that grade.