Home and Away

Why is it we behave with the people we love most in a way that we would never dream of behaving with acquaintances or strangers? I don’t mean sitting around in pjs or hugging or lounging on the sofa watching bad TV and eating popcorn. I mean snapping and snarling and generally being unloving. You might recall I already wrote about this very topic. Confession time – I completely blew it this last couple of days. Odd that I could feel so good about God and what He was doing on one hand and fail so profoundly on the other. Sometimes it feels like I can’t open my mouth without sounding like I’m biting or tearing at the other person. But only those who are close to me, the people I live with. The lady in the supermarket, the friend at church, the person I let out at the junction – they all think I’m sweetness and light, cos that is the way I behave. So which is the real me and how do I sort this out?

I started asking myself why this last couple of days? Rebound from God’s goodness? Effect of the miserable cold I had? Fear? Ultimately the root is important so that it can be finally dealt with, but right now I think dealing with the effect is the priority. I’m glad to say my snark isn’t long-lasting (or all the time). Two vital steps I’ve learned are: 1) repent and tell God I’m sorry. 2) Tell the person I’m sorry without any excuses. It does not matter if they accept my apology, if they rant at me, if they huff and walk away or if they just hug me and tell me they love me (my personal favourite). I have to be right.

I had a plan for dealing with this, the spiritual songs, but somehow recently in the heat of the moment, when thoughts and emotions are moving so fast – faster than light if you ask me – I don’t seem able to rein myself in, or allow Him to reign. I want to, I really do, I want to be the person I am when I am at my best all the time. I don’t believe there’s an easy answer, that there’s any other answer than keep going. He has promised to complete the work He began in me and He is true to His Word. I can just keep repenting and apologising but is that His best? I don’t think so. Somehow between writing last time and being better and this week I forgot something. I don’t forget it when I am out and about, just when I am in the ‘safety’ of my home. Do I put on a different aspect outside? An aspect that lets me stop and pause and act? I can’t believe the love I feel outside is an act, but neither is the me at home an act.

So once again I am faced with the new me and the old me, the spiritual self and the flesh. It’s only by His grace and the power He provides that I can be better, be more like Him. He sees everything, is with me everywhere, He can and will help me when I ask, when I open myself to receive that help. I just have to remember to ask. And listen. And then act.

I pray for you guys, that what I write will bless you – please pray for me especially about this issue.

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